A look at my search terms…

So I haven’t posted in a while. Mainly because I have been drained of ideas. So today I thought, hey, let’s look at my search terms! I had the idea a few weeks ago, and it seems fun, so let’s do it! :D Obviously I won’t go through all of them, merely some of the more interesting ones…

So my main search term is ‘computer’ with 143 views, all presumably leading to my ‘Computers vs TV’ post. Understandable.

The next most popular search terms are ‘angry meme’ and ‘ain’t nobody got time for dat’, with 31 and 12 views respectively. Annoyingly I consider this one of my worst posts, but that’s the way it goes. :\

Interestingly, there are no less than 17 different variations of the spelling of ‘ain’t nobody got time for dat’, so I thought I would try an in-depth analysis on all of them, as you do.

  1. ain’t nobody got time for dat – This classic spelling appears at the top of the pile by a process of natural selection.
  2. ain’t nobody got time fo dat – The second most common spelling, with 8 views, more accurately reflects the speech patterns of Sweet Brown.
  3. aint nobody got time for dat – This spelling is a nightmare for apostrophe activists, but not quite as lazy as our next spelling.
  4. aint nobody got time fo dat – Omitting letters, punctuation and common decency, this variant will leave grammar Nazis crying in despair.
  5. ain’t nobody got time for that – This spelling is a refuge for those who cannot bear to spell ‘that’ incorrectly. After #4, my hope in humanity is restored.
  6. ain’t nobody got time fo dat obama – A sharp and scintillating satire of Democratic politics in post-1950s America.
  7. aint no body got time for dat – Because corpses ain’t got no more time for that.
  8. ain’t nobody got time for you – Sad but true. :P
  9. ain’t nobody got time for that meme – A very meta interpretation of the search term.
  10. aint nobody for time for players meme – Child, the players change, but the game remains the same.
  11. aint nobody got time fo dat obama – Some more, less politically correct analysis of North American presidents.
  12. we aint got time fo dat – No we do not.
  13. aint no body got time fo dat – Again, more corpse talk, or if the typist in question meant nobody, this could imply an incredibly liberal use of the space bar, suggesting the typist needs more space; this deep psychological need could trace back to childhood trauma at a very young age when his personal space was often invaded by his pet dog Rover while he was on the toilet… Sorry, where was I?
  14. ain’t nobody got time for that! – Use of exclamation mark indicates… something. *shrugs*
  15. no one got time for dat – Who are you to say this? Have you conducted a survey of everyone in your local area? In the 2011 census, was there a section that asked, “Have you got time for dat?” :P
  16. memes i aint got time fa dat for facebook – The specialisation of the meme for social networking shows its evolution from simple utterance to internet legend.
  17. aint nobody go time fo dat – The epitome of laziness, omitting even more letters than #4. Disgraceful.

This post got very long-winded, so I will quickly go through some of the more interesting search terms. A lot of these only got one view, explaining their strange nature.

  1. house of elf in harry potter – While this would be a very interesting house, I’m not sure if five houses is as snazzy as four. Besides, imagine how jarring it would be? Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, House of Elf… There’s already a house that begins with ‘H’. No, we knew something that rolls off the tongue like, “Spewington” or “Dobby”. And if “Dobby” won the House Cup, they would have to have the option to get a lifetime’s supply of socks instead. <3
  2. harry whittier frees dead animals – I was initially confused by this, but it turns out ‘Frees’ is the surname of Harry Whittier, not a verb. Although the dead animals bit seems a bit strange. I think this directs to my post on memes again, as I looked at lolcats and I may have mentioned him for his work on dressing up felines. Even still, I can’t get over how strange this sounds. XD
  3. people assume friendly gestures – Maybe they’re trying to be friendly?
  4. are there any typos in the scorch trials wiki – In all probability, yes. Sorry about that.
  5. technophile zombie – I would say those zombies are the coolest. The other zombies salivate over brains, but these ones salivates over iOS 8. I know who I would rather hang out with.
  6. freedom exam – Just in case you’ve lost your basic freedom principles. What would be tested is beyond me.
  7. yo ll be an technophile – I’m not sure whether this is a misspelling of “yo, be a technophile”, “yolo, be a technophile”, or “you’ll be a technophile”. I’m clueless as to why you would have to say YOLO before being a technophile, but I guess it’s a very daredevil thing to do.
  8. august 12 skyfall 2014 at night at the sky – Actually ‘Skyfall’ was released on 26 October 2012 in the UK. :3
  9. write a story on i had forgotten to complete my mathswork and knew this was the day i would be punished – This is a very specific search term, with no less than 21 words. I’m not sure why he would want to write a story about this of his own accord, and it’s unlikely he was set this as schoolwork, so the logical conclusion was that he was being held for ransom by the mafia.

That’s all I have time for today (no meme references intended) so this ends the post. Do you have very strange search terms? If you want to do a post on this, I am calling this the ‘Search Term Tag’ just because.

Joe

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Sports Day!

EDIT: Shortly after 100 followers, I have now written 100 posts! :D I was hoping for the two achievements to happen at the same time (so my 100th post would have concerned having 100 followers), but I’ll settle for this. :P

Firstly, I have to say that I am disappointed none of you looked up the word ”syzygy”, or at least showed a mild interest. :P From wiktionary:

  1. (astronomy, astrology) A kind of unity, namely an alignment of three celestial bodies (for example, the Sun, Earth, and Moon) such that one body is directly between the other two, such as occurs at an eclipse.

I think the only reason I picked it was that I saw it on dictionary.com as a ‘cool word’ and I’m kind of running out of ideas. ;) If you want, recommend a word! :D This week’s word is tittle.

***

When events come around, they happens in quick fire succession, like bullets from a machine gun. The first three major(ish) occasions of the Summer happened within a week of each other: Sports Day; my first karate competition; and a concert I was playing the piano in. This is the order in which they happened; however, funnily enough, the list also starts with the event I was most worried about and ends with the event I was least worried about.

This post was originally called ‘A Series of Troublesome Events’ and was about all three of these happenings (I’m trying not to use the word ‘event’). Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough time, so the karate competition and the piano concert will have to wait.

You may need some background. I’ll basically plagiarise last year’s post on Sports Day and go with a ‘Harry Potter’ theme. So in my school, there are four houses, which will be called (as in last year’s post) Potter, Draco, Harry and Snape. I am in Potter.

However, my experience of Sports Day was very different from last year – as in extremely different. Last year I was in the BBC Junior Reporters’ Club, interviewing athletes after they had finished their events, lazing around, and occasionally cheering on my house.

This year I quit Junior Reporter’s Club. I was also one of the runners in the 1500m.

Yes I know – I have often harped on about how terrible I am at sports and my horrific hand-eye co-ordination. At times, I have prided myself on my unsportiness. I even helped set up FAFA, the Forever Anti-Football Association (or soccer to y’all Americans). If anything, I merely have a slight dislike of sport, but I think I blow it a bit out of proportion. I don’t really know why, but perhaps it’s to have a conversation starter. But I digress.

One of the few exceptions to this is running. I like it, as it requires very little hand-eye (and foot-eye) co-ordination, but only after the actual run has occurred. Whenever I run a fairly long distance, I am uncomfortable throughout, but afterwards I say something crazy like, “That wasn’t so bad.” Such is the madness. D:

My lungs much prefer short distance running to long distance running, but I am comparatively *better* at long distance. That isn’t really saying much. If you could measure running ability on a scale of “You are an Object at Absolute Zero” to “Fast as Light”, I would flounder somewhere between “good” and “good“, if that makes any sense at all. Besides, I would never directly volunteer to compete in Sports Day, being me, but it never works out that way, does it?

The selection process  is very laid back. Basically if you ask to compete and you have a reputation of being fairly good at your chosen sport, you’re in. Occasionally, informal competitions are held to find the best people for the event, but only when there are more applicants for a race than places (normally two places per house).

Here’s how it happened.

I was walking along a corridor with a friend when I walked by the notice board in my school. My head of house and a fellow Potter were standing by it, discussing something. The boy was talking about how there were “hardly any good runners in Potter…”

I may avoid social occasions at all cost, but I can also be very big-headed (+1 for an AMAZING PERSONALITY COMBO) so I muttered under my breath, “I can be a good runner.” or something along those lines.

Silly Joe. Silly silly Joe.

If there is one thing you should know about me, it is that I am unable to speak quietly – I am unable to mutter or whisper without every person in the neighbourhood hearing – never mind every single animal in 64 Zoo Lane.

So when I muttered, my fellow Potter heard me. Next thing you know, I’m suggesting more people, the guy is ecstatic that he’s found some runners and it’s hinted that I will somehow be involved in Sports Day. I’m left with my friend, who is laughing at my predicament.

Sports. I have become implicated with sports. D:

It happened so quickly that at first I thought I was a reserve. Later I found that I had been put down to run for 1500m, and after some checking, I found that to be true.

What? What! WHAT?!

I was so apprehensive that I would come last, or near last. I have a bit of a reputation as the class boffin – not necessarily a bad reputation but a reputation nonetheless – and I didn’t want to reinforce the connotations that come with that. Even still, I didn’t practise that much, although I went out with my dad and sister a few times for a mile run.

There was also a house Sports Day rehearsal a few days before the actual event, but I was only told about it while it was happening, and since I hadn’t eaten lunch yet, I decided to skip it since loads of people weren’t going. Obviously there was some mental anguish, but my stomach prevailed.

It turns out that three people (including myself) had applied for two places in the 1500m,  so they staged a mini-competition during the rehearsal which I missed. Since I conveniently didn’t turn up, I was automatically shoehorned into the race with the winner of the competition. If I’m honest, I probably would have lost the mini-competition anyway, so I guess it’s a good thing I decided not to go to the rehearsal.

Anyhow, when it came to the day of the competition, I was freaking out. I’ve never actually competed against anyone before, and didn’t really have any idea how fast I was at running a mile. What if I thought I was fast but really I was a snail? Of course, the opposite was also possible, but I was much more inclined to the first idea. Track events were only in the afternoon, with field events in the morning, so the first half of the day were spent as usual.

Then I got changed at lunch, and walked to the fields after registration, sitting with my fellow Potters in a temporary pen constructed with posts and rope. 1500m was one of the last events, so I sat on the grass for an hour, sipping some water and not paying any attention to the races, while the people beside me listened to music and discussed whether or not Goku was better that Superman. Occasionally I ran to the toilet which was about 100m away and came back exhausted. Needless to say this made me severely doubt my stamina and didn’t do much for my confidence.

You know I said earlier that there was a mini-competition to find who would join me in the 1500m? The loser kept asking me whether I would drop out so he could run instead. Politely, but all the same. Strangely enough, I refused every time. I guess he would have been faster, but in a strange way, I kind of wanted to compete in Sports Day, despite the risk of losing. Meh.

Eventually a voice rang out: “Could all the 1500m competitors see Mr. M at the starting line?” Shaking, I went with some others to the start of the track. I brought my water bottle with me and then left it near the start of the race. There were 8 people competing in each year, but I was running with people in the year below me as well to save time, so there were 16 in total. They positioned us at the start. Some people crouched down but I just stood up, terrified of how badly I could perform. It was 2 and 3/4 laps (or maybe three and 3/4) and it looked like a long distance from where I was. I made a silent prayer.

“And… go!”

I tried to run quickly but also pace myself. The first thing I heard was, “No! Why are you… Nooooo!” and a runner was left behind. Left and right, runners were collapsing into heaps on the ground, leaving carnage in their wake. I didn’t actually see this, but I heard heavy thuds behind me, although those noises may have been feet.

I quickly fell behind three or four people. I was panting heavily, trying to make my strides long and quick, but my lungs weren’t having it. I fluctuated around that position for a while, occasionally seeing someone slide past me. About halfway through the race, I saw a clump of people ahead of me and, lengthening my stride, found the willpower to run in front of them.

“And Joe runs into 3rd place!” the commentator said. I was ecstatic, but my lungs were already near breaking point. I passed the crowds and tried to pick out my name, but it was a maelstrom of meaningless noise. My breaths were heavy and getting longer and slower. As I ran round the curve, people overtook me one by one, most of them in my year but a few younger than me. By the final lap, I was in fifth position in my year, but I was beyond all caring as to positions now – I wasn’t last and I wasn’t second last either, so as long as I kept my place without having an asthma attack, I would be happy.

I heard a battle cry behind me, so I edged up my pace. Sports Day really is the Hunger Games, but you know, toned down for the adolescents. When I saw the finish line, I sprinted. My head of house was cheering me on and the commentator may have encouraged me (he’s one of my friends), but again, I could tell nothing from the crowds. Behind me, another competitor was also sprinting, trying to beat me at the last second, but I managed to outpace him and pipped him to fifth place.

I crumpled onto the grass, breathing heavily. The commentator mentioned something about the 1500m being gruelling. Too right.

Eventually I returned back to the pen (not as bad as it sounds by the way). I was exhausted and wishing for a hero’s welcome or at least a drink of water. But nothing really happened. Happy music was not played while hands did not reach out to pat me on the back and crowds did not part to allow me passage. That’s life I guess.

Of course there was a bit of drama as I realised I had left my water bottle at the start. The inner conflict between not wanting to stand out and wanting to drink some water was strong. I decided to scrounge until I mustered the courage to go and collect it. My life is filled with danger and intrigue.

However Sports Day was kind of boring for me. By the end of the day, the only race I had really been interested in (apart from my own) was the final 4x100m relay, where some of the teachers competed. In case you’re wondering (which I doubt you are), Potter came third, with Harry coming last, Draco coming second and Snape coming first (again). Though we were abysmal at the track events, we managed to scrape third due to a good performance in the field events (unwatched  by an audience). Since last year we came fourth, I think that we’re slowly climbing up the leaderboard. If that’s the case, the next time we’ll win Sports Day is 2016. Brilliant.

Note: Most of the dialogue here was heavily paraphrased or changed because a) I can’t remember what was actually said and b) I didn’t want to name people. Just saying. :3

Joe

P.S. My next post will be about my birthday. :3 I may not post on the day (I will be at the house of some extended family members), but I’ll try as soon as I can. :P

House Elf – A Day in the Life….

The doorbell rang at the break of dawn.

“Coming!” I shouted sleepily.

I opened the door to see someone wearing what looked like a giant pillowcase, holding a clipboard in his hand. Why did the fanatics always come in the early hours of the morning?

“Excuse me sir! Would you be willing to donate money to the house elf rehabilitation centre, for those abandoned, neglected and abused house elves who-”

I slammed the door in his face. All of these Harry Potter charities had started popping up all over the place, asking for money for a new wand or  advertising Hogwarts Castle for sale. It always happened around Halloween time, and it drove me crazy – especially when it disturbed my sleep. I hadn’t even read the Harry Potter books…

I looked back and saw the man was still outside the door. He had suddenly whipped out what looked like a large stick and I felt myself shrinking uncontrollably. What was happening? I felt my skin become wrinkly and my eyes getting larger, my clothes turning white and pillow-like. I could no longer reach the door handle of my own front door. I was trapped.

“LET ME OUT!” I cried, but my voice had turned high-pitched and squeaky. “What have you done to me!?”

The man muttered something under his breath, pointing the wand at the door, and it opened. He picked me up and put me in his backpack.

“Hello little guy!” he said. “Owner abandon you?”

“YOU did this. You made me into a… a…”

“Oh look at you. You’re a feisty one aren’t you?”

He winked at me. “Trust me, you’re safe. It’s only one day. You’ll last one day – right?”

What was he talking about? What was he doing? I wracked my brains to remember what he’d said before. A charity for house elves… was he going to take me to the rehab centre? Oh no, no, no…

***

When he finally took me out of his backpack, I got a good view of the rehabilitation centre. There were at least thirty house elves playing around, which from my limited Harry Potter knowledge didn’t seem right – weren’t house elves, in all essence, slaves?

“Here, we rescue abused or neglected house elves, and train them to find useful roles in the wizarding society.” the charity man said.

“Wait… how is this happening? Harry Potter isn’t real…”

“Yeah he is.” he said. “I am Harry Potter.”

“Wait, how…”

“After I defeated Voldemort, I didn’t find real fulfilment in being an Auror – so I decided to set up a charity for the protection of house elf rights. Now I live a happy life.”

I decided to go along with him. “So you don’t sell anyone?”

“No… not usually.” he said. “But I hear that the Malfoy family is in need of a new house elf. We do offer rental services to teach any misbehaving house elves that they’re very lucky to be rescued… it usually sets them straight. And maybe it will set you straight too…”

“You can’t do this. This is slave labour! This is kidnapping!”

“And it’s what thousands of house elves go through every year.” he said. “You should have donated. You should have donated…”

I sighed, knowing I just had to deal with it. It was only one day right? Surely I could last one day? Malfoy… the name sounded nice enough. What could go wrong?

***

“Clean my shoes elf! Where are you, you good-for-nothing, mudblood loving elf!”

I had long since gotten past refusing. The first time had got me a kick and the second something much more deadly… some sort of spell. He even made me feel as if I had it easy, saying “You’re lucky I don’t use the cruciatus curse on house elves.” I didn’t know what that was, but it didn’t sound good. I started to polish when I noticed a pair of scissors on the table, out of reach. When he wasn’t looking, I stacked his shoes on top of one another to give me a lift, and slid them off the table. Then I cut two small holes out of the pillow case so it looked like a ghost costume. Whenever he poked his head around the door I went back to my cleaning. Luckily for me, he was preoccupied keeping the trick-or-treaters off his lawn, scaring the living daylights out of the little kids. It was time for my revenge.

The next chance I got, I hung myself from the ceiling using  a piece of string and waited. As soon as he came into view, I shouted as loud as I could, “BOO!”

He froze… and then burst out laughing. He wouldn’t stop. I felt some sort of anger boiling up inside of me.

“You think I’m scared of that cheap muggle imitation?” he said. “You’re lucky I’m amused enough not to punish you. But I’m not buying you a new bedsheet. You’ll be wearing that the rest of your life.”

“Wait… WHAT?!” I said. “But this is a rental service…”

“Well the stupid rehabilitation centre shouldn’t be stupid enough to lend house elves to me – unless they want me to ruin their little “charity”…” he said, fingering his wand gently.

My heart sunk. I was trapped forever…

But then as the brink of dawn caught on the horizon, the strangest thing happened. I started to grow, as my body changed back into human form. Malfoy watched on horror stricken as my skin smoothened and my eyes shrunk back to normal size, before he finally fainted. The string that had been used to tie me to the ceiling broke.

I smiled and said, “Trick or treat.” before running out of the house at full speed and donating £1000 to the house elf rehabilitation centre.

***

This was done as part of the What If? Monthly Writing Challenge. This is officially a voting process, so if you think mine was the best entry out of a number of entries (please read the others before you vote!) then go to okaywhatif.com and vote!

EDIT: Sorry, wrong website to vote! Go to http://www.inlinkz.com/wpview.php?id=323239 (you could have gotten there from the What If? Monthly Writing Challenge as well).

I have zero awareness of time…

I only realised today that our family is going to Harry Potter Tomorrow tomorrow. Hence me only putting the timer up now. 1 day away. :P

This might seem really weird, because I like/love Harry Potter (I don’t obsess over it compared to some others who would put me to shame) so I really should remember. There are a number of reasons for this – a) I don’t have one of those calendars that people tick off with big red crosses. Maybe I should get one…

If only…

As well as this, you lose track of time in the holidays if you don’t have a calendar. If there’s one good thing about school or work is that it keeps you in sync with time. I was pretty sure this was Thursday in the morning. But then I found out it was Friday… or is it?

Finally we booked well in advance so I kind of… forgot about it? *gasp* Yeah, but in my defence, I’m not the most up-to-date person. I’m OK with news generally (my occasional scrolling of Yahoo keeps me relatively in the loop) but when my sister is away, I’ll wonder why for half an hour before realising she’s at a piano lesson.

Well this post was basically me rambling on why I’m forgetful. I’m sorry, I’ll do the awards when I get back. I didn’t really feel in the mood today. :? Hopefully that doesn’t make me a bad blogger. See you (virtually) on Sunday!

Joe.

P.S. … Nope, I’ve forgotten. I’m sure it’s nothing important? Oh yeah, I’m really excited to have Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans and butterbeer! Although my sister did warn me agains the BB’s Beans, supposedly she had one that tasted of dirt.

Yep, that’s it. :P

Tech Battle: eBook vs Paperback

The battle you've all been waiting for...

The battle you’ve all been waiting for…

So I got bored. I needed to post. :P Oh well. Welcome to a new feature called Tech Battle! I pit some of the most popular (and not so popular) technological companies and innovations against each other, or against their old classic counterparts. I chose this one as I don’t have to do much research. ;) At first I’ll do some of my own choice, but I hope to get recommendations once I get a big enough readership.

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