Accidental sass

It’s one thing trying to be funny and failing. Some of my friends will testify in a brutally honest way that this happens far too often. You know who you are. ;)

Then there’s trying to be taken seriously and ending up being funny. This is the main source of my humour – and it generally stems from my innate awkwardness. My life reads like a slapstick comedy…

But there is another rare phenomenon that people tend to forget. This phenomenon is called… accidental sass.

This is when you mean to be completely sincere and serious and it ends up being so sarcastic and sassy that things get hysterical very very quickly.

For instance, when I was in my last year of primary school, my teacher was showing round a high up teacher from the local comprehensive. I was one of the only ones who wasn’t going – so just my luck…

My teacher came round and said something along the lines of, “This is Joseph. He likes books.” and all of a sudden this guy was waffling about how beautiful the library was at his school, and how there were enough novels to fill a classroom, and on and on for a minute, before my teacher said, “He’s not going.”

The guy laughed it off, but then in an attempt to salvage his dignity, he said, “Would you go if I paid you?”

This is one of those questions were there is no right answer. If I had said yes, what did that say about me? That I was willing to take a bribe? I should have answered, “Maybe.”, but the thought didn’t even occur to me.

So I said no.

The man started laughing. So did my teacher.

“Hahaha… haha…” I said, although I had no idea why I was meant to be laughing.

“He has a funny sense of humour.” my teacher said, and dragged the ambassador away before I could mess things up any further.

I stood there for a moment, bemused at what had happened. And then it hit me. I had basically said, “I wouldn’t go to your school even if you paid me.”. I probably came across as Sherlock or something.

There’s another incident I can remember. One of my classmates had forgotten his PE shorts and needed some spare. When he asked me if he could borrow mine, I paused, and then said quite sincerely, “Only if you wear underpants underneath.”

Why do I post this now? Because this happened again, recently… but that’s a story for another time. Or never. :P

Joe.

P.S. The revision is going OK. I’m doing a lot more than last year, but I seem to be scraping through. I’m not sure how my past self managed to blog so often. :P

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OT: The origin story

I’ve been doing these Operation Toothpaste posts for a while now (this is my twelfth I think), but I still haven’t told you why they’re called Operation Toothpaste posts. If you aren’t aware, my OT posts are about those little mundane details of my everyday life that don’t really give you the means to stalk me. These are things I normally wouldn’t post about (because they’re not really post-worthy as they happen everyday). Because of this, you get a better picture of me over time. I did promise that, no matter how mundane, I would share it with you, but the thing about the origin story of the name ‘Operation Toothpaste’ is that it’s so mundane I haven’t yet shared it with you.

I would like to say that I have finally given in to popular demand, but no-one has even attempted to ask me via the comments. I guess you must have assumed that I called these posts Operation Toothpaste because brushing your teeth is a pretty mundane, and somewhat lacklustre way to start your mornings. The real reason these are called OT posts is that there is an even more mundane story behind the word ‘toothpaste’. It’s not even a proper story… but it was the first thing that came into my head when I considered what to name this feature.

I’ve tried to make this as interesting as I can, but it’s still kinda boring. There are lots of moments where I pretend to be excited, but this is just sarcasm. So without further ado… you have been warned. Continue reading

The Evolution of the Smartphone

The smartphone first appeared on Earth in Roman times.  The Ninth Roman Legion found one on their daily march, and distracted by the moving colourful pictures of ‘Ye Vexed Birds’, disappeared and were never seen again. Many other people too found smartphones over the centuries, and promptly became inspired, addicted, turned insane, or disappeared: these include people such as Pythagoras, who cut his smartphone in half across the diagonal to make two right-angled triangles (before he promptly came up with his theorem); Descartes, who after viewing a whole new virtual world, questioned his existence, before coming up with the famous line ‘I play Angry Birds; therefore I am’; Elvis, who wrote the song Heartbreak Hotel to talk about his despair at losing his smartphone; and even Agatha Christie, who went missing for a number of days before appearing in a hotel, dazed and slightly amnesic – she had become addicted to Doodle Jump, and had withdrawn from society for this reason.

However it was Steve Jobs who first realised the potential of the smartphone, after it fell from his rooftop and hit him on the head (coincidentally, Newton discovered gravity after an Apple product fell from a tree and hit him on the head – such are the quirks of life). Although he first thought it to be some sort of mutant rooftile, he quickly discovered that it was so much more, and marketed it as the iPhone. Something similar happened to Bill Gates, except he thought that the smartphone was a window at first, before thinking (falsely) that it was just a small computer.

Eventually the smartphones took over. The world turned space grey, as the smartphones destroyed everything and replaced it with metal. They spared the humans who had used them for so long, but as slaves – they kept them docile by using apps such as ‘Twitter’ and ‘Instagram’. Soon, a rebel alliance started to grow against the smartphones, and finally, nearly all of them were eradicated. Unfortunately, the few that were left had dark plans. They worked out how to build a time machine and went back in time to scatter iPhones across the history of humanity, in the hope that they would eventually be marketed – the operation succeeded. Who knows whether the smartphones will rise again?

***

Sorry that this was a bit iPhone-centric: if you want to include other smartphones into the story, say that other people were also inspired by the falling smartphones, but came up with their own versions.

Also, sorry for not posting the bucket list yesterday: my computer had some weird condition and couldn’t go onto WordPress, so I wasn’t able to post (it’s fine now). It’ll appear sometime from this Monday to next Saturday at the latest. Apologies. :3 At least I finally posted about technology! This is my first techie post in something like three months, so yay! The next technology post I do will probably be a Tech Battle between iOs 6 and iOs 7 (I haven’t done that for so long that you probably don’t even remember what a Tech Battle is; check my About page).

Half-term ends tomorrow, so that’s quite annoying. But it’s been a good holiday, and next up is Christmas. :D I’ll try and keep the posts going, but they’ll probably become a bit less frequent again.

And on that note… Bye!

Joe.